Taxi

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

Competition

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS!'  He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES!'  The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea.  He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read...  'ENTRANCE'

Misspellings

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.  Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.  "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.  "They misspelled my name!"

The Undertaker's Keys

Only two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for access to the organ in the chapel; the other for the car in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

The Watermelon Patch

There was a farmer who raised watermelons.  He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.  After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure.  So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field.  The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."  So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made.  The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field.  He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.  It says,"Now there are two".